Once we’re out of college, it gets really hard to make friends. At one point you just needed to like the same TV show as the girl sitting next to you in your English Novel class, but now it requires a lot more.

There are other challenges. People are more flaky now, full of the fear of “missing out” on something else better that might come along. Doesn’t that make you feel awesome about yourself?

I am no expert, but I will share my tries at the social scene after moving to a new city, and the pitfalls to avoid.

1. The Meetup Group

My first attempt at socialization was joining Meetups that seemed to be everything I wasn’t getting out of my previous “city” (calling Tyler, a place where everything closes at 9 and The Place people go is the ice cream drive through. No, I’m not kidding)

See? Not kidding.

The group will remain anonymous, but touted themselves as a group of professionals, which turned out to mean they all work professional jobs. They were nice, funny, and friendly. I met my now boyfriend at my first meeting, though that was not at all what I was looking for. I’m not complaining! We met at a hotel bar downtown and while awkward at first, with me questioning inwardly why I had ever shown up, it was soon engaging and very fun. We extended the evening into a dinner, and I was pleasantly surprised.

Fast forward a few months, the evenings I spent with the Meetup were fun, but I was feeling like the men leading the group were just trying to meet girls. They didn’t seem to know I was seeing someone in the group, and I didn’t want to blurt it out unnaturally. They also drank copiously, and giving myself a two drink minimum when I went out with them wasn’t working once everyone started buying shot rounds and shoving them in my hand.

After one too many Saturday mornings spent laying down and trying not to move and induce intense nausea, I found myself ignoring Meetups involving alcohol. Which is unfortunately, the focus of each of their meetings. I might have to find a new Meetup, but they do work! And I have my amazing boyfriend, who spent this morning fixing my garbage disposal.

Lesson learned-Don’t take on more than you can handle just to fit in. Do what makes you happy, and find people interested in doing the same things.

2. Form your own group

Because sticking with the large Meetup concentrated on getting wasted every weekend wasn’t fitting my style, I decided to try to include select people from the Meetup who seemed cool, in weekend hangouts and excursions. There are so many things to do in Austin, between concerts, sightseeing, restaurants, and the things to do outdoors, you have a lot of options. Go on a Google search for things to do in your city, and ask some of the local cool people (who might be hanging out in your nearest Starbucks in work out clothes while also typing up their dissertation on Communist literature) on some of the hole in the wall hangouts.

The first one went very well. I invited a girl to come along with my ex and I to hike the Greenbelt. We picked her up early in the morning to beat the heat, grabbed some ice coffee (none for me, I’m weird and therefore suffered greatly in the hot temperature of the day) and headed for Scottish Woods Trail to park the car and head off. My ex and friend brought their dogs, and this slowed us down a bit, but we still enjoyed it. It was a nice workout, and we saw some beautiful falls and hills. My friend raved about the hike, saying we needed to make this a weekly thing, because it was fun and she needed to get into shape.

My friend after this weekend offered to go to my first orchestra performance, and to our hike on Saturday morning, and blew both off, asking to hike Sunday instead. When she didn’t even respond to my text, I figured that was it.

Lessons learned-1. People show you how much they care. Don’t try to make it happen if they aren’t willing to put in the work. 2. Making friends is hard work. It’s okay I don’t have a super close girlfriend in my city right now, because I have my sister. I won’t stop trying though.

3. Work

That lady you work with who always seems pissed off and almost never has a conversation with you and is always in her own world? Maybe she’s itching to be your next friend! Maybe not. Only one way to tell.

I attempted to get a group of people in my work out for a teacher night out.  I sent out a text a week ahead to gauge interest and invite everyone, saying to invite anyone else whose number I didn’t have.

I stayed late at work in order to attend, since I don’t live in the town I work in. I worked with some students past 6:20, which is an abominably late amount of time to stay after work. I showed up at the restaurant, got a big booth, and waited.

When the clock passed 7:00, I suspected everyone was forgetting about it, so I sent a few texts out, one to the group, and one to a few individual people who said for sure they wanted to come. I bought two margaritas because it was still happy hour, and ate most of the chips.

That moment when everyone bails on you and you get to drink alone.

Twenty minutes later, and two angels in disguise showed up as my coworkers, and I was no longer the weird person sitting at a booth with tons of silverware, under the false impression she has people coming. I drink to you, people who showed up!

Lesson learned-Try not to count too much on people. Before you go out of your way to get something together, make sure people are more than slightly interested. Always have a backup plan.

Now

I’m still in the trenches, trying to make friends in the big city, but I’ve come a long way, and hopefully, if you’re in my shoes, you will too!